3.6. Should I tell someone about my status?

Caught between being honest and your right to protect your privacy
When you're HIV positive, whether it's still fresh news or it's something you have been living with for a while, there will be many times in your life where you will need to decide whether or not to make your HIV status known - to tell others that you are infected with HIV.
Many unanswered questions
Who do you need to tell? Is there someone you want to tell, but aren't sure what or how much to say? Must you tell your spouse or partner or that person you've been dating? What about informing other sexual partners you've been with? What about when you're having surgery or you're going to see the dentist? Do healthcare providers have a legal right to ask you about HIV status or to deny you care if you are HIV positive? Are there any circumstances when you're legally required to reveal that you're HIV positive?
There are no absolute answers
It takes time to adjust to being HIV positive. With that in mind, it's a good idea to not rush into disclosing your status without first giving it some thought. Wanting to share this knowledge with someone else is a perfectly natural reaction, especially when it's new to you and you're feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and uncertain about your life and your future. People with HIV need to choose carefully who they share this information with. They need to be selective about who they tell and when they tell them. Making these choices involves uncertainty and can sometimes be very difficult.
Deal with each situation as it arises
Wanting to tell family members, employers, fellow employees and friends is very natural. But, in some situations, there's still shame and disgrace attached to the whole subject of HIV and to those who have it. Yes, there is more understanding and wider acceptance than in the past, but unsympathetic and hurtful reactions do still happen in some families, in the workplace, and in social situations.
Remember:
* You don't have to tell everyone. The choice is yours about who and how much to tell.
* Use the five W's when thinking about telling:
- WHO do you need to tell?
- WHAT do you want to tell them and what are you expecting from the person?
- WHEN would be the best time to tell them?
- WHERE is the best place to have this conversation?
- WHY are you telling them?
* In most situations, you can take your time to think about who to tell and how to tell them.
* Decide if there is a real reason for you to tell this person or if you are simply feeling uneasy and want to 'dump' your feelings.
* You have a virus. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. You don't have anything to apologise for because you are HIV positive.
* Keep it simple. You don't have to tell the story of your life.
* If you are not able to tell close friends, family members or other loved ones about your HIV status, draw upon the support and experience offered by organised groups in the HIV community.
* There's no perfect way to disclose. Trust your instinct, not your fears.
* Whatever the response you receive, and even if it doesn't go the way you'd hoped, try to remain confident about how you are going to deal with your HIV status.
* Remember, millions of others have dealt with this experience and have found their way through it.
* If you've had unprotected sex with your partner, it is important to tell them that they are risk and should get tested. Apart from your partner's decision to test and his/her results; you have made him/her aware of the need for you both to practise safe sex (by using a condom) in the future.
* You might also want to tell your spouse or partner so that they can give you the emotional support you need. It's important to have someone to listen to your concerns, to offer suggestions and to just simply be there. In some situations, helping with daily life chores or picking you up at a doctor's office can also be important. Sometimes people fear becoming a burden when they have health problems. Actually, sharing these daily experiences can help build a deeper and stronger partnership.


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